The realization that you are dying doesn’t hit you all at once,it’s the little things that begin to show you how much living on this planet is taking a toll on your entire being.For instance,i could fuck for days when i was in college.It was something i was pretty proud of,well the other consenting party had to be a freak like me which was not an easy search but once i got the Bonny to my Clyde all the voices in my head could line up perfectly and sing the same husky song in unison.Its the little things right?,now i have responsibilities,deadlines and buses to catch,welcome to the real world.

Living in the moment.

This iconic self sabotage mantra,(usually yelled by a drunk post teen right before they do something stupid) resonates with most of my less thought out decisions.In essence what i was really saying is ‘fuck it’, i didn’t care for tomorrow for as long as i can remember, i was always fascinated by my more future oriented ‘friends’ who were always reminded of the big bad future ready to rape any unsuspecting  idiot twirling with their proverbial blonde braids waiting for everything to fall into place.Being a pessimist ever since i could smoke one of our neighbors cigarette butts from his dust bin,the rug of innocent carefree living had been roughly pulled from under my feet before i unhooked my first bra.A corrupted young mind without a sense of direction or a strong anchor meant that i only had mother earth for a tutor.we all know that she doesn’t give ‘timeouts’ or kiss ‘boo boos’.You screw the pooch that’s it,you clean yourself up,get a good buzz going and take a walk.Try find a way to look yourself in the mirror and still recognize who is looking back at you.

A rebel too scared to find a cause and see it through meant that losing the teen in my years was not a big deal.I don’t think it is a big deal for many guys,well maybe for the late bloomers on essentials like a deep baritone voice or a few  prickly pubes on your chin would change everything.Man boobs never helped much either,i mean,life throwing you lemons that bitter could fuck you up for years to come.Many guys back in our age of pimples and smelling like goats in heat never knew such a thing existed until you saw a guy in the shower with what looked like a set of developing cans on him swaying to every body scrub.Life struggles like that made you put a few things into perspective,life lessons that slowly develop to rules one had to live by.

NUMBER ONE;The world doesn’t give a crap.

In a nutshell..your entire existence only matters if you make the impact you were made to make,by who?,I don’t know,God maybe,that all knowing all powerful deity that put us in this maze.Purpose plays a big role in the reason we exist,that driving force for some of us to stand out and make a significant contribution either to the people around us or to the whole world.Funny bit is that most of us are purposeless,drones programmed to obey till we die.The creator saw it fit to make us damned gods.I tried having a well-meaning discussion with my devout catholic grandfather on the pros and cons of the damned gods theory,in particular how the catholic church had always had a hand in what we call modern-day civilization.It started out innocent but got really ugly when it came to the holy trinity and the role played by Jesus’s mum.I am not scared to say that i have always had doubts about the extent to which man will go for ambition or dominance.we are damned gods alright,we tend to be self-absorbed,violent in both love and hate and treat this experience that is life as a race where the first ones get to enjoy the spoils and the rest fish for scraps off the winners table.Well,we cant all play the leading man,or woman.Genetics and upbringing find a way to classify us all as Darwin intended.

NUMBER TWO: Don’t shit where you eat.

Well this one is self explanatory for me.First, it acts as a literal warning for those fellow humans who decide to party like white people or something although these are words to live by.Know your lane,I have fucked up so many times because i thought i was someone else.You might think you are hotter than you really are or vice versa,either way if you care about your standing on the human food chain you have to find yourself,doesn’t matter how long it takes.self esteem is the one shield that protects you from all the bullshit delaying the inevitable photocopying and classification of everything that makes you.Make sure you get a good stance before holding your own,the world is a dark place ,no,the world is a beautiful place,we choose to abuse and defile it at will because we believe there is something better waiting for us.Let’s wait and see.

NUMBER THREE: Always be ready to die.

As cold as this sounds most of us never think about this part of life,the end,or beginning for those who have a religious safety net.Questioning the unknown has always been the proverbial thorn in my thinking cap.As we all run this short unexpected race the idea of not existing makes even the hardened of homo sapiens cling to whatever theory (or fact,as per the household you grew up in), to the very last breath.For my religious friends the good book specifically states that if you were an ass on earth it’s eternal douche barbecue for you.I have always been fascinated by the rules of nature,the less brain function you have the easier your existence becomes.apparently asking questions to which no answers will ever make sense is a waste of your depleting time,either way…its always good to question everything,hell it’s why we create and destroy at will…mad scientists without an end game.We do what we do because we have to,and then we die.

NUMBER FOUR;Procreate if you can

I can only imagine what the world will look like in the year three thousand after most of the population regulating diseases are brought to heel by one amazing super drug…maybe by then after consuming so many chemicals in the food we eat and inhaling toxic fumes from our engines will have mutated us as well,all am sure of is that it will be a small boring planet if none of all the religious end of times theories never come to pass.I will be dead by then,my son will be dead too…my third or fourth generation(as per the fluctuating mortality rate of that time)will be doing what am doing right now,pushing the wheel of survival for as long as they can,maybe hoping to give life to continue my name…a name that will hold no significance to life or the reason they are fighting to pass on their genes.

In this future when  everybody is shooting blanks the girl with the working eggs and the guy with the loaded gun will be the gods of their time.They will be the only currency worth trading.I only hope that my great great-grandson will inherit the power of my loins.Right now though,all I can do is try to be better,leave the big picture alone because it’s not my problem,nature is calling,amid my selfish sense of self and blind ambition,i have to grow the next generation of damned gods and heirs to this big blue throne we call home.The boy will remember me when am gone,his sons and daughters will only hear stories. I am okay with that because my boy will help me on my way when mistress death comes,i will not fight nor cry,i will embrace her and return her icy kiss.








Meeting my son

He is staring at me with those clear brown eyes, he must be four or five months old,a bundled dude with a small perfect inquisitive face. I couldn’t help but wonder if he knew how messed up his situation was, from the look of things though I could tell he didn’t give a rat’s ass.

“mommy is coming back soon,”he doesn’t seem convinced as he scowled his face preparing for the second round of screaming and wailing.i have to act fast before my ear drums turn to mush

“cm on Alec…cut me some slack here…”i pleaded picking the boy up from the chair and bobbing him up and down like i saw the  moms from our flat do when their rug rats threw fits.Alec although is not moved by my efforts,starts to feel kind of personal now,like he knows what i have done and he wants to show his detest the only way he knows how.i lift him high above my shoulders and look into his disappointed watery eyes again,

“what do you need nigga!!”i try to appeal to his street side but nothing,i could foresee this situation escalating, i needed help pronto.This being the first time i had been left alone with him apparently for an undisclosed period of time,i was aware of all the reasons his mother might have had to wanna bail,i mean,i didn’t serenade her with dance and song when Alec was born,nor did i stand beside her holding her hand as she was being urged to push but i didn’t deserve this,don’t  get me wrong,i would have done all those things if we were together together but at that moment all that mattered was the fact that i was way out of my league.Alec could sense my weakness,bobbing was not doing it for him,the milk i was advised to give him by his mother was like rat poison on his lips,he kept spitting it out and i was about to shit a brick.

just then a knock on the door,

“where the fuck did you go???!i blow up even before opening the door with a live siren in my arms.

“HAHAHAHAHA!!!BABA ZERO!!!bellowed Carl my neighbor as he took a step back to fully take in my  predicament.

“what the fuck is so funny ass wipe”

“wah msee…this your kid?”He asks trying to deduce how a baby ended up in my questionable care.

“naah,i ran a baby care now asshole”i was getting irritated by the crying.

“dude relax…kwani ni mimi nilikuambia unyeshe ndani?”Carl was spotting on of those beaming thank heavens this isn’t  me smiles, i didn’t like it.

“hold the negro for a bit,maybe he just  doesn’t like me.”

no no no…i have to go to class msee…

don’t be an ass just for a few minutes,my hands are cramping

utanilipa msee?

“yeah…Al make sure unaenda chuo na shati haikai ni kama umeitoa kwa mdomo ya ng’ombe”holding back what looked like a lot of wise ass remarks and a good laugh he took the boy from me,the switch must have helped because he went quiet,as though sizing up his new victim before dropping his signature finish move.

“sly you’ve been pinching this kid you evil wanker”

“now why the hell would i do that to myself!”

“have you fed him?and i hope you know they don’t eat indomie msee”

“he is like five months old dude,no solids!”

like five?

get off my back!!…he is five months old…

so…baby mama ako wapi?

“uskii alinishow ameenda shop like three hours ago”and that’s when i realized how fucked i was,here was a kid i barely acknowledged who at the moment was either passing a kidney stone or working on crying for sport

“hey i think he is crying because he needs some air”


“yeah,twende roof,let’s get some sun in him tuone itakuaje”

“yeah that’s a good idea,at least i aint doing this by my …”

“eer sorry dude,al be going to class in like fifteen minutes”

“what the fuck dude!!!cmon!!!”

“i have exams!!”

“well am taking my biggest exam right now dude!!!, na sina mwaks!!!”

i didn’t know if Alec was scared of the bickering or fascinated because he looked like he was listening intently as we ascended  up the was a cloudy day,a few streaks of sunshine penetrating through cumulus clouds here and there,we removed some of the bundles of wrapping that made him look like a giants turd, exposing the little guys tiny legs and arms,he seems to like it.i took this time to compare his features to mine,see whose genes took the lions least he had my  face and skin tone,the legs are his moms,sadly i didn’t do him any favors on the hair.even at five months old i could tell that he would suffer the curse all men in our family suffer,steel wool hair.

“At least you aint a girl or you would hate me big time”i say to myself as Carl unveils a “cigarette”

As we all settle into our new environment and the “cigarette”starts making rounds(blowing smoke away from the baby of course)he starts squirming uncomfortably,the sort of discomfort i imagine one goes through when they check your prostate,he was not having fun anymore and i could see him preparing to let us know the only way he knew how.

“sly,you sure this kid is okay?

“i don’t know!!”

did you try his mother again?

“ni mteja” i was getting agitated.

Alec was crying again,trying to reach for an invisible life line with his tiny hands,i looked over at Carl who seemed to be counting down the last seconds of his thirty minutes,i was going to be alone again.i looked at baby Alec and his exposed gums,hell i could see down to his stomach he was crying so hard.

“yoh sly,i have to go…”

“sure…sure al be here”

“call your sister msee”

“cant…yuko machakos and i don’t want to disturb her”that was a lie,hell i would have tugged on a lion’s mane if that’s what it took to calm him down

“so,utado?kesho you have to go to work and he is too young…you cant do this alone”

yeah,Carl had a point and it seemed as though Alec wasn’t doing too good,his tiny red lips were drying up.he seemed to be in pain,i was slowly starting to lose my cool.we walked back down the stairs as i listened for my sister to pick her phone,

“sema muthe”

“Hey small bro,whats up?”

“I need your help sis”Alec looked tired,but the crying was still audible

“do you have a kid with you”

(oh yeah,i hadn’t told her…)

“yeah…his name is Alec…your nephew”


“hey…am sorry i didn’t tell you but he is here…his mum is not …and he wont stop crying!!!”

just then the connection was lost,apparently my phone ran out of juice,Carl was already gone and i really had to take a piss.

“first things first…keep your son alive”i told myself out loud as i tried to recall a lullaby from my kid years…nothing came to mind.

“Aerosmith will have to do”pacing back and forth on my door step as i sang to him “i don’t wanna miss a thing”was all i could think of.(the name of the song and my predicaments irony was not lost to me.).My boy was  passed cute baby crying,he was making an eerie heartbreaking noise i never thought a human being could make.I felt so useless.

One of the super mommies who strutted around the building glowing with womanhood and the pride of bringing two babies into the world(at the same time)was walking from her house,i think Alec’s crying had made her super mum sense tingle or something,she casually glanced my way and met my gaze as i took a pause from my pacing and horrible singing to compose a ‘i got this’ expression which turned into a please save me faster than shit through a goose.she started walking towards me with her generous burst swaying with every graceful step.

“Ameshinda akilia,sijui nini mbaya”i pointed out the obvious,

she took him with a cool collected swagger that  only came with experience,held him up to smell for a number two,


“maziwa kidogo,i replied sheepishly scratching my head.

“amenyonya leo?”i could see her eyes trying to connect the dots as she tried to peer through my curtains for any presence.Unwillingly i glanced at her breasts for a second or two,

“eer mama yake ametoka kidogo”i said looking at Alec who seemed to be reaching for one of her impressive mammary glands,for an uncomfortable few seconds we all looked at them.

“So anataka kunyonya ama?”

“not really hehehe just give him some water sawa?”

“sawa”i could not believe that’s all the negro needed.”

“halafu try to give him more mil…”

cutting her short,

“lemme get the water” i was not going to risk another failed theory,she would stay and do this with me whether she liked it or not.I was in completely dumbfounded when he grabbed the small cup with his tiny T  Rex claws from my trembling hands and like the tiniest lone survivor of a plane crash in the Sahara desert started taking king size gulps.super mum was at hand to control the cup when he got too over eager.With that Alec went quiet.i moved close to see what magic she was performing on the boy only to see his eyes shut,he looked tired.

“wacha alale.akiamka,maziwa.don’t forget”with that my hero walked slowly back to her house.i managed to whisper a horse thank you before she closed her door.

After our first father son bonding experience i believed the worse was over,i knew there was an angry big sister who would be blowing into town with the wrath of mother Gaya herself; a baby mama who i imagined was maybe on a bus to Mtwapa with a guy named Marvo or something,maybe Marvo was better than me,maybe he had convinced her that a dead beat dad like myself deserved to know how it felt to raise a child on his own.

“fukin marvo…”i hissed vehemently when i thought about that non-existent worm.

there was a lot that was not okay in my life,alot of questions that needed answers,a diaper that needed changing…later but i didn’t care,at last Alec was sleeping peacefully,in that moment,everything was perfect.