The cookie crumbles…

dad leavingWaiting was my biggest enemy now,after the dust had settled and all was quiet I was left in the house listening to the voices inside my head.Alec was not present to give me his unwavering ‘you sure about that ‘ expression.I needed a game plan before my sister and Alec’s mom came back(hopefully) the fact that I was not sure if she was coming back cast a dark shadow on my conscience…or some proverbial angel with wings…ish, who rarely appeared  on my shoulder to hiss unrequited advice in my ear,

“Hey buddy “adviser was back looking battered and tired.

‘Hey conscience…wow!!!sport pesa gave you back your wings huh???’I could make out tattered grey fake looking wings dangling from his tiny back as he held onto my earlobe for support.

‘hey…I thought we decided to call me you…i am you Kyalo…this is how you appear in there…’he held out his unimpressive wings with a ‘duh’ look on his self sabotaging face…the fact that he looked like me made my few minutes to myself eerie.At least his gambling addiction set us apart.

‘so…look at him sleeping there kyalo’he turned to look at Alec.

“He looks so peaceful”

“Without a care in the world…he deserves to have both his parents kyalo”

“What about me?”yeah,sounded selfish..really selfish.

“Well my friend…say goodbye to your not giving a hoot days”

“Did you just say hoot”?I had to ask.

“Am still not tarnished completely by your toxic mind…and your unrelenting drive to self destruction!!Mr ‘always be rational’ was about to pop a vein on his self-righteous goody two shoes face.

“So…did you come here to lecture me or help me?


“On what?”

“Your ability to love…”conscience knew he was paddling on shark infested waters,he moved closer to my face.

“If you can’t deal…there is no need to keep going then,I will let you activate plan B.

“Okay conscience,”

just then Alec moved,I froze,he adjusted his small frame on the chair covered by his baby blankets before settling down.I couldn’t help but stare,he looked sort of like me although i felt a sort of uncertainty towards the whole situation.I knew my life was going to change completely,i would have to stop making  random decisions;maybe learn how to live with other people without causing strife and disappearing every time a situation stopped being fun or awkward…I would have to grow up.

“This negro is going to make me someone else huh…”


“On what con….you know what,I’ll call you con from now on”Had to make it shorter…detach myself from the little guy with weird bat wings.

“whatever floats your boat kyalo,just don’t forget am still you.”

“Yeah…how can I forget that…”

“I have asked you many times to find a way to be different…”Con was talking about rainbows and sunshine again.

“Change to what con…more lovable always happy singing in the shower dandy?”

“eeer no Kyalo,I want you to care…you need to get involved,all the way”

“I hear you con,so you will be riding shotgun on this one right,”

“This could all have been avoided if…”

“Don’t you dare fucking say it con…”I hated his ‘i told you so’,he seemed to enjoy it a bit too much.

It was getting late though,by my guess maybe thirty minutes past five,(couldn’t turn to look at the clock,had to keep a focused eye on the kid),my stomach reminded me it had needed some attention too by rumbling a bit too hard.

“Dammit!!!”Alec opened his eyes slowly,I ducked out of sight hoping he would take his being alone as a hint to go back to sleep,well,rookie mistake.The little guy cleared his throat,it was more of a chuckle than a cough so i made an on the moment decision to make my presence known,with the unparalleled expertise of con of course,

“Pick him up before he starts to cry again”

I did without making a sound vocally or otherwise.He was too light to be a human being,fragile like flowers left in the sun and all you had to do was wait and watch them wither and die,only this son of mine seemed unnerved by his vulnerability.There was an unseen force covering this clean fragile soul from any harm.Jesus came to mind,a white guy with golden locks taking my baby from me and covering him with his white linen garment,loving him unconditionally like no human could(including his dead beat dad).

“He looks like his dad dude…”

“Yeah,the tip of his ears are darker though,he will be a bit darker than me,”that was a plus for him.being too light in Kenya,for a guy was no walk in the park if you were a sissy.

“My son will be no sissy”

“Well…will you raise him like your father did you?”con knew how to hit all the right cords

“Lets see how he looks…”

“Kyalo,it’s a bit chilly here,you can’t just start undressing a child his age “con was making a bit of sense

“What about his feet then…can I at least check those”it dawned on me that i had been speaking to myself out loud,Alec didn’t very much care for it.i could tell because he kept a sharp eye on the movements of the lunatic he had been left with.

“Well kiddo I think we should get to know each other right?He looked serious,his tiny face squared up all business like,i had to look away for a second,there was something about his pure fresh eyes that was stifling,as though he could see right through me to my deepest darkest secrets.

“Lemme call you Mutua after my father,do you like that name?”I asked touching the tip of his tiny nose with my index finger,he didn’t flinch.

“…since we will be spending a lot of time together,I think now is the best time to come clean…its bad so don’t say anything until am done talking,cool?”He followed my movements with his eyes as i started pacing back and forth int the tiny flat.

“See,I wasn’t a big fan of your early arrival,hell i voted for you to leave the island if you get my drift…”He rubbed his tiny face with a clenched tiny fist.

“Yeah,I knew you would take this badly,hey but there is a silver lining buddy,i am not going anywhere now…or am i…am not sure at this time.i wish i could explain in-depth how my selfish behavior and lack of empathy or control got me a beautiful gift…yes gift don’t give me that face,like you wouldn’t  allow me to embark on this journey with you”He squirmed a bit in his warm wrapping,looked at the ceiling as if processing what he just heard.

“Hey,this here is what life is about…okay,am still figuring that out myself but…I don’t know.

“Yes you know kyalo,”

“con,what the fuck are you still doing here!!”

“hey kyalo,just open your soul…you do know I have been locked out of there for years right…that’s where am supposed to li…

“This ain’t about you con…and we talked about this,until you show me how to forget or embrace you stay out here with me!”con jumped off my shoulder his wings making a miserable crackle sound,he landed on the table and moved close to Mutua whose eye lids looked heavier than lead as he fought to stay awake.

“If he could see me…imagine how scared he would be…this darkness you have allowed in us is going to kill whatever chance you have to make this boy,our son…proud to call you dad.I have watched you try,fail,fight,laugh,cry and do the most stupid things imaginable to prove a point that didn’t need proving but the worst,the one thing that is killing you is this hatred you have chosen-no decided to carry for years,i am you and you are me but every time i go in there i feel like a stranger,it’s so cold…i fear it would be better for the boy if you were not in his life at all”

“what are you saying con…”

“I am you,i don’t know why you think you can hide your thoughts from me,”

“I don’t know what the fuck you talking about”con was on his canoe again,paddling towards the eye of the storm.sharks tailing him.

“No no…answer me this,after all is said and done are you happy he is here!?

“What kind of question is that con!! Of course…”

“Then whats the problem…what are you scared of…”con asked as he moved closer to a still sleeping Mutua,

“Look at him…your blood…your son…!”con finished his monologue and disappeared into thin air in front of me.

The message had been loud and clear,all I had to do was decide,i still had a small voice in my head warning me of the impending lock down,the utter lack of control.No more freedom to do what i want.The voice insisted that i was not ready to be who i was supposed to be for this boy…my boy to grow up healthy and strong.

Just then,there was a knock on the door,a timid sharp rattle.It was far from my sisters confident two tap with a try at the lock.It was time to decide,I was out of time.