RANDOM THOUGHTS

The idea of killing one’s self has been talked about  a lot in the last decade,it seems a spike in the deaths of mostly males of the humans species has not sparked the most needed discussion for a solution to this growing problem. A lot of men,mostly in the 19-28 age group have been pro death over dealing with day to day mundane things that the men who came before us faced only on a grander scale,so why then?,what is making this young souls punch their own clocks at such an alarming rate?

To understand this macabre phenomenon, i had to look within first.Being of the right age and of course living in a unstable and still forming society i would think we would be dropping like flies in this third world.Looking into myself was easy,it is always easy when you are having a honest chat with yourself but unfortunately when women process their emotions and share their plight with their friends or family psychologists say the burden is more times than not,lifted.Men on the other hand are expected by society to have a anti-emotions shielding under their hairy skin to repel all feeling-based triggers that may be viewed by all as feminine or for the weak.i digress,Lets get back to looking within.

My vision of what adult life would be when i was growing up was always marred by doubt and a all round negative view of living.don’t get me wrong,i was not walking around with my self important nasal cavity pointing upwards like pumbaa in that “hakuna matata” song no,it was more like a expectation for everything that can go wrong to go wrong.I expected to die even when a fender bender between a matatu and a lorry caused everybody in rickety matatus to scream,that same assumption for the worst followed me everywhere,a dark cloud over my head waiting to engulf me at any moment.I wore that darkness as a cloak creating a barrier between me and everything else,always expecting the worst of every situation and every person.The happiness felt in friendships and belonging never resonated with my dark cloak of shame and despondence.In my solitude,in order to function in society avatars had to be formed,these personalities were interchangeable for every occasion or interaction and before you knew it i could not recognize my true self.

You look in the mirror every morning and whisper some words of encouragement to that void inside your eyes that houses the self encompassing every notable attributes you show or hide,both mental and physical,you try to gloss over your big ass ears and exalt your beautiful eyes,you stay positive and remind yourself how special you are.We all do this,well,at least most of us do,psychologists have told us time and again to keep a healthy relationship with ourselves,they tell us to only feed our brains with positive thoughts and with time our brains will rewire our psych for a more fulfilling life of happiness.We learn that it doesn’t matter how one’s physical drawbacks are,that all can be overcome with a positive attitude,that’s all we learn.We decide to die because there is nothing to live for,this has nothing to do with how we look,my brothers die because they do not belong anywhere.The personalities we make for ourselves don’t fix us,we function as  best we can,our fairer sex counterparts shoot for the stars while we look on and smile,whispering to ourselves through gritting teeth,

“its their time”

Yes my dear sisters,its your time to shine,to reach for the moon and Venus,to reclaim the power that was stolen from you by outdated practices and a chauvinistic male dominated world.This new age world has promised and delivered on the proverbial microphone for your powerful voices.We have acknowledged your might as powerful African mothers,sisters and wives,where respect was not given,is commanded,the world becoming a village has strengthened your resilience as the ones who came before you carved in blood the heading for your chapters in the history books.

The latter being a complete revision for the gender roles in society,history books that are more often than not written by the victors still cling to where power is,our fathers who are still at the helm leeching off the boom of short skirts and flowery fragrances in the otherwise male dominated board rooms pluck petals off sprouting flowers at will.While we rewire our already brainwashed minds to accommodate the new world of   gender equality and political correctness trying to be malleable and hard at the same time,our fathers sit pretty on their thrones of old,slowly seeping into this new world only to corrupt the free new age broke young fillies with the promise of a easy life of excess and debauchery.i digress.

We choose to be what we are,we choose to not pursue higher education because we don’t study in class,we choose to sit in the street stuffing our faces with leaves and chewing gum because misery loves company,while our sisters drive new hybrid cars we swing off  metallic bars welded onto fast moving public vehicles blasting loud music.My brothers choose to love other men because living the high life comes at a intrusively painful price;we don’t marry our women anymore because we are not heads of the families our fathers told us we would be;our whole existence as the male species has been reduced to a test tube full of sperm,we have become obsolete.

We are already dead,we walk around heads bowed down because in our hearts we know,the reaper came to us a long time ago and only took our pride.No voice in our hearts to sing our songs of bravery and duty as we do not have anything to live for.We have died and our ancestors can’t save us anymore.

The tide of change is sweeping through the minds of all,preparing the world for a new age of being.Our fathers were wrong,our fathers lied to us when they married five wives,they led us astray when they paid more attention to us when we were born,when our sisters were given their list of things to aspire to,home making and “assisting” their husbands.

Our fathers were wrong.

This is the sacrifice we have to make,in our insecurities and inexperience we have planted seeds for the new age,played our weak hand hoping to bluff and get away with it but the house always wins.Without any structure or sense of directions we thrust away and hide in the carnal knowledge of the women we will never marry.we dominate and for those few minutes grunt and sweat with a sense of importance as boys play at being men.Sons we bear but don’t raise call out to their mothers for the instruction to life while we hide in our drug fueled embarrassment watching women thrive without us.

Maybe history will not hate us as much as we hate ourselves,our bastard sons will grow up singing songs of praise to their mothers while we slip away into the darkness and with us a forgotten generation of young men who never reached their potential.

Maybe that is the price we pay.