I LOVED HER.

I LOVED HER.

“You have to talk to me!!,”

“I have to head home,i have said everything i came to say,”

“No!!!!”i grab her hand and turn her to face me.

“We were doomed from the beginning,we knew…,”

“No!!!,i don’t accept that!!!”i bring her closer,her eyes searching mine for a better way,a easier way.Rain water falls on her perfect face mixing with tears i will never see.

“We can…we have to find a way…,”

“There is no other way.Please don’t make this harder than it already is…please.”she slowly frees her hand from my grip,rain is falling hard now but she does not protect her long hair.

“Here,”i give her my jacket,she looks at me reluctantly,

“Yours to keep.” I watch her wear it as she looks at me,something in her eyes startles me,a urgency i have never seen before.It’s  not hate, more like a sad pitiful glimmer piercing through me.My heart sinks as i contemplate the fact that she does not feel as i do at that specific moment in our lives.

“This is the end we talked about.You made me promise,i have to go before i change my mind,”she turns and starts walking away.

“It’s that easy for you to leave huh…”I yell at her,my voice breaking as a lump forms in my throat.

“You speak of love!!!,you claim to love me yet…yet here you are walking away like it’s nothing!!!!,a fucking fling!!!”the lump in my throat moves to my chest forcing me to cough, a dry desperately empty yelp.

She stops in her tracks a few paces in front of me.

“Tell me you were using me,tell me it was nothing,i am nothing to you but a stage,a fuking checked box…TELL ME!!!”She rushes back into my arms kissing me fiercely,i taste her tears as our lips lock,i taste her pain and love,i taste the only freedom i have ever known before she breaks off to look at me.

“Don’t you fuking dare!!”

“You have to say it….”

” I can’t.”

“Then don’t leave me,we can find a way…”she leans in for another kiss,the farewell i will never accept.

“We knew what we were getting into from the beginning my love,you promised me,”

“Do you love me?”

“You know i do,but love is not enough right now…,”

“You don’t love me enough to stay huh…,”

“Don’t do that,Make me the bad guy here…”she steps away again her wet  white dress clinging to her.

“I never thought i would loose myself like this,you were meant to pass through,we had a plan,what the fuck have i done!.What is this feeling,?this empty dark void consuming me from the inside.?”

“It’s love,we flew too close to the sun hun.”

“stop calling me that,”

“No.”

“Then stay,don’t leave.”

“I have to leave,we both know i have to.We have to stick to the plan and you know it!”she yells through the rain as she turns to walk away holding tightly to her  brown jacket.The only thing of mine that will ever feel her warmth again.

I try to say something as her figure gets engulfed in the rain and morbid darkness,the words that were formed and thought out a day before are nowhere to be found.I grit my teeth and look back into the free way as a vehicle blasts the whole road with strong beams of light chasing away the shadows.I see her one last time,a small figure in the distance,my heart jumps at the thought of running after her.

“Always the light,”i whisper to myself.She is the light at the end of every tunnel i ever escaped through.

I remember the beginning as i stand there oblivious of the heavy downpour around me.The small droplets turned into painful bullets of reality hitting me all together at the speed of light.I concentrate on the pricks and the biting cold.I feel nothing else,not love nor hate.She is gone,the one person i thought i could not live without,the love i would go to the ends of the world for is gone and i feel nothing.Walking seems like the only thing i can do as the rain subsides slowly to a murmur of precipitation.Did i really just let the love of my life get away,?the thought seems pointless in my world of self doubt and negativity.Deep down i know i never deserved her.Our love was born of prickly fruit at too high a cost.I am soaked,trembling in the wind.My cocoon of  unbridled euphoria and massive surges of dopiness dissipating with every step i take away from a future i will never see.I leave her orbit like a wayward comet,burning with the fumes born of  star crossed lovers,only in the beginning.

I did not love her, i did not even know the meaning of the word.The cosmos and all the gods that have ever existed must have had to pull a lot of strings to bring my wayward soul into her orbit.She did not fall victim to my crude humor or quick wit,she did not even notice me at all.

We will call her Jupiter,she was and still is the most radiant human being i have ever had the pleasure of knowing.At first,i was content with sharing the same space and breathing the same air she did,always stealing glances from across rooms and spaces shared hoping that she did not feel my eyes tracing that perfect arch of her lower back.Mundane normal movements were slowed down and appreciated in my head,her laughter,that beautiful sound she made filled my soul with joy,Elation i kept to myself waiting for later to reminisce and replaY the entire day i had spent marveling at the wonder that was her,my Jupiter.

This uncontrollable attraction being one sided burned my insides.All that time i stole for just the two of us,the perfectly scheduled “accidentally” shared bus rides to wherever she was going always trying to fix my day to day mundane activities around her orbit didn’t matter if i was a few buildings away  or feeling her warm skin rub against mine as we shared tightly fixed metallic chairs in loud swerving matatus. It was on one of those rides that i took her hand in mine as the vibrant multi colored art on wheels swerved into the highway without a care in the world.People complained as one woman in the front seat invoked her preferred deity.I did not even hear the music get louder  trying to drown the discontent shown by the passengers,i was feeling her fingers interlocking with mine as i tried to brush off the impact that simple gesture had on my entire anatomy.My palm was getting clammy as time passed and our hands were still connected,i was avoiding eye contact,my mind was blank,my throat slowly drying up like a seasonal Kamba river,

“You can let go now,we have survived the worse of it,”she slowly freed her hand from my sweaty vice like paw with a smile on her face.

“sorry about the river of sweat hehehe,i was scared shitless,”i hid my face as blood rushed to my head.

“It’s okay,”

“eeer,wanna get some coffee before you head home?”

“I can’t,”she looked disappointed,i liked that.

“well,this is my stop,i will see you tomorrow with dryer hands.”

“Will we be holding hands again,?that coy playful smile always jumbled up my thoughts.

“eeer no,that was lame…hehehe,kesho.”i had to eject before i crashed and burned.

 

Day two with Jupiter found me ready,i had prepared my lines and thought of every scenario,she would say this and i would say that,perfect conversation culminating to that perfect smile made everything in my life okay.I hated that i had to hide my true self though,she would not like the me i was looking at in the mirror;the angry and tortured me;the dead inside screaming for help me,no,even i would not like me.

“Get out of there,”she looks deep in my soul.

“Look at me,right here right now.We,at this moment should be everything.”

“It’s hard for me to say this because it’s you,”

“Well,i wanna say i feel the same way but i don’t.All you had to do was come talk to me.”

“i was chicken shit,still am actually hehehe.”

“what did you wanna tell me”

“I wanted to say that i have wanted to kiss you for the longest time.”

“A kiss,?”that’s all.?

“Yeah,”she looks at me quizzically.She moves closer  still holding my gaze.

“A kiss is not enough for me,you have to think bigger and bolder.”Her warm breath dances around my nostrils as she kisses the tip of my nose and holds my gaze.

“Find out what you really want,don’t just guess.I wanna know how far you are willing to go.”She moves away slowly with that innocent intelligent smile curving her perfect lips ever so slightly.

“I love you.”The words leave my lips before they are checked and processed.

she laughs out loud nearly knocking her cup of coffee off the table in our rendezvous point.I laugh with her oblivious to all the people around us as the world spins on,leaving  us in our small bubble of infinite possibilities.

 

 

 

ANYWHERE ELSE.

She wakes up drowsy,her head throbs sending sharp pain to her unfocused eyes.She tries to move her hands,the left arm answers her command,she uses it to clear her eyes,the pain behind her eye sockets intensifies but she forces them open again.She tugs on her right arm,nothing,she looks up and vaguely makes out black leather  fastened tightly on the queen size bed’s head board,her arm fastened to the other end of the shiny designer belt.Everything comes rushing back to her when she makes out the man standing by the mirror fastening his tie,she stops struggling.

“Proud brats are always the easiest to break,”he speaks,a effortless inaudible sentence as he moves towards her.

“My love,you already belong to me”he moves his hand over her balled up body barely touching her.

“everything you  are now is because i deemed it so,the more you try to fight me the more you will loose.”He whispers to her as he traces his hand over her exposed thigh slowly lifting the blood stained silk bed sheet that barely covers the rest of her body.

“Look at what you made me do angel,”her exposed young frame is firm and full,her skin flawless except for the dark marks cause by  bruising around her inner left thigh and ribs.

Angel never moves,she keeps her gaze on the wall,Kazungu her betrothed moves closer to her then crouches to her eye level by the side of the bed  and stares at her expressionless face with a smirk on his face.

“You were worth the wait that’s for sure,” he grabs her buttocks and digs his nails into her soft skin leaving nail marks.

“You are mine now,”

“my property to do with as i please,”

“Every time you have any thought of defying me,or…or seeing that doctor friend of yours i want you to remember last night,remember that i can always reach out and take you” Kazungu runs his hand through her hair before grabbing a fistful of the black tangled mess of hair  lifting her to her knees on the bed,she grits her teeth as the strain on her taught hair burns her scalp. He stands over her with lustful eyes as the bulge on the front of his black jeans gets bigger.

Angel looks at him,her one tied hand stretched out.He lets go of her hair, she falls back on the bed like a lifeless doll, all worn out and used.

“You are not to leave this room,if you want anything just call the kitchen or the maid.”Kazungu walks back to the mirror leaving a naked angel motionless on the bed.

She stares at the high ceiling perfectly crafted with the mahogany bed posts that rise from all four corners of the bed as kazungu leaves the master bedroom whistling to himself.A maid meets him outside the door as he leaves,

“she is not to leave this room”

“Yes sir”the maid bows low as kazungu closes the door behind him.More instructions are given, inaudible murmuring to angel as she turns to the side pulling the bloodied sheets to cover her nakedness.

Tears flow freely soaking the soft feather stuffed pillows cradling her shapely head and  soaking up the semi-dried blood from her busted lower lip.She tries to remember a time she was free,a time she felt happy and loved.A picture of her home comes to mind,her two sisters fussing around the table as her father sits on  one of the worn out dining chairs he made himself.She remembers her mothers singing,how her smile warmed the  room always urging her husband to eat some more food before he left for his long distance driving job.He was always gone for weeks at a time so she always made a feast for every departure.Her fathers amazement when she explains the stories he read on the daily newspapers he always collected,

“How do you understand these things?!you are but a child!!”He always said beaming with pride before leaning in close to whisper.

“You are my favorite,”He always winked at her and pinched her cheek.

She was the boy he had always wanted so she had decided every day he was away to read and work hard in school.She was besting even the boys at subjects like mathematics and the sciences.Her academic achievements proved to be a gift and a curse when she was accepted into a very expensive school for higher learning.She remembered her sisters fighting for space in front of the mirror they had in their room as they got ready for their dates.

“You have hogged the mirror long enough wenika!!” their eldest sister protested.

“Mirrors don’t work miracles big sister,that forehead will not be reduced by your reflection!!” a fight would always ensue after that and angel would be forced to do her reading outside.She never understood why they cared so much what boys thought about their looks or the shape of their eye brows.She never had time for boys,her sisters were all waiting to be married off  but not her,she wanted more than just a man.

Her academic achievements had drawn attention from all kinds of people,but out of all the well wishers only one man was really interested in helping her financially.Mr kangu, a well known business man,well not really all that known because rumors were that he used dark magic and witchcraft to amass his wealth.He was a plain looking man without any memorable features,his demeanor was that of a simple man with simple tastes,his eyes on the other hand were piercing and formidable,there was a darkness in them that run deep.Angel met him when her father was invited to his home in the mountains.She accompanied him wearing the only fancy dress she had.she did not like the pink lace or the u  cut on the chest.she was becoming a woman and no amount of fabric could cover that up.

“You have a chance to be anything you want my favorite daughter”Angel’s father pinched her cheek like he always did,there were more wrinkles on his face as he smiled,his health had started deteriorating since the accident.

“I will not let you down father”

“Don’t forget angel,hard work always pays”

That was the last real conversation she ever had with her father,after their journey to Mr  Kangu’s mansion she did not go back home with her father.Mr. kangu had already arranged for her to go to campus,she left the two men to talk alone as she was shown around the huge house by Mr Kangu’s son.

“I saw you on tv the other day,congrats on the exam,”he was timid and shy.

“Thanks,i have never seen a house this big before”angel marveled at the extravagance and beauty of the place.

“it’s one of the few,”

“one of the few?”she was puzzled as he walked ahead of her his head held high with pride and entitlement.

“Yeah,we have many houses,one day,all this…”he is interrupted by a servant who walks in.

“Your father sir”

“lets go,father does not like to be kept waiting”The boy showed fear in his eyes as he took angel by the arm and hurried her back to his father’s office.

She remembered her fathers face more than anything when he took her to another room to explain why he had to leave her with strangers.

“Your sisters will need you to take care of them my angel,you must finish school and get a good job”

“I don’t understand why i cant do that from home”She bit hard on her lip as she remembered her fathers dismay.He could not look her in her eyes for the first time.

A rattle on the door jolts her back to reality,the maid walks in carrying towels and fresh sheets.She gasps at the sight of her mistress on the bed motionless covered with blood soaked sheets and tears.

“Lets get you cleaned up madam”Angel does not even budge as the maid sits on the bed next to her employers wife to be.

“My dear girl,i have seen you everyday ever since you were brought here by your father,you were a happy smart and tough young woman and the master took a liking to you,we all did.This situation that you have been forced to endure should either make you or break you my child.This boy will always be cruel and vindictive,he is like this because he fears who you can be,he fears that he will never be man enough to step in his ailing fathers shoes.You must know this,you have to see the opportunity in this misery my child.”The older woman pulls the covers off angel and turns a still sobbing angel to face her.

“I know you would rather be anywhere else my daughter,away from this small man and his evil,away from the toxic rich people trying to get rid of you.I would rather be in my strong husbands arms right now but he is dead and i have my children to feed.Now listen here sweet child,you get your ass out of this bed,go wash that blood off your face and prepare yourself  for the party.This is your house,now show them what you are made of.