I LOVED HER.

I LOVED HER.

“You have to talk to me!!,”

“I have to head home,i have said everything i came to say,”

“No!!!!”i grab her hand and turn her to face me.

“We were doomed from the beginning,we knew…,”

“No!!!,i don’t accept that!!!”i bring her closer,her eyes searching mine for a better way,a easier way.Rain water falls on her perfect face mixing with tears i will never see.

“We can…we have to find a way…,”

“There is no other way.Please don’t make this harder than it already is…please.”she slowly frees her hand from my grip,rain is falling hard now but she does not protect her long hair.

“Here,”i give her my jacket,she looks at me reluctantly,

“Yours to keep.” I watch her wear it as she looks at me,something in her eyes startles me,a urgency i have never seen before.It’s not not hate more like a sad pitiful glimmer piercing through me.My heart sinks as i contemplate the fact that she does not feel as i do at that moment in our lives.

“This is the end we talked about.You made me promise,i have to go before i change my mind,”she turns and starts walking away.

“It’s that easy for you to leave huh…”I yell at her,my voice breaking as a lump forms in my throat.

“You speak of love!!!,you claim to love me yet…yet here you are walking away like it’s nothing!!!!,a fucking fling!!!”the lump in my throat moves to my chest forcing me to cough, a dry desperately empty yelp.

She stops in her tracks a few paces in front of me.

“Tell me you were using me,tell me it was nothing,i am nothing to you but a stage,a fuking checked box…TELL ME!!!”She rushes back into my arms kissing me fiercely,i taste her tears as our lips lock,i taste her pain and love,i taste the only freedom i have ever known before she breaks off to look at me.

“Don’t you fuking dare!!”

“You have to say it….”

” I can’t.”

“Then don’t leave me,we can find a way…”she leans in for another kiss,the farewell i will never accept.

“We knew what we were getting into from the beginning my love,you promised me,”

“Do you love me?”

“You know i do,but love is not enough right now…,”

“You don’t love me enough to stay huh…,”

“Don’t do that,Make me the bad guy here…”she steps away again her wet  white dress clinging to her.

“I never thought i would loose myself like this,you were meant to pass through,we had a plan,what the fuck have i done!.What is this feeling,?this empty dark void consuming me from the inside.?”

“It’s love,we flew too close to the sun hun.”

“stop calling me that,”

“No.”

“Then stay,don’t leave.”

“I have to leave,we both know i have to.We have to stick to the plan and you know it!”she yells through the rain as she turns to walk away holding tightly to her  brown jacket.The only thing of mine that will ever feel her warmth again.

I try to say something as her figure gets engulfed in the rain and morbid darkness,the words that were formed and thought out a day before are nowhere to be found.I grit my teeth and look back into the free way as a vehicle blasts the whole road with strong beams of light chasing away the shadows.I see her one last time,a small figure in the distance,my heart jumps at the thought of running after her.

“Always the light,”i whisper to myself.She is the light at the end of every tunnel i ever escaped through.

I remember the beginning as i stand there oblivious of the heavy downpour around me.The small droplets turned into painful bullets of reality hitting me all together at the speed of light.I concentrate on the pricks and the biting cold.I feel nothing else,not love nor hate.She is gone,the one person i thought i could not live without,the love i would go to the ends of the world for is gone and i feel nothing.Walking seems like the only thing i can do as the rain subsides slowly to a murmur of precipitation.Did i really just let the love of my life get away,?the thought seems pointless in my world of self doubt and negativity.Deep down i know i never deserved her.Our love was born of prickly fruit at too high a cost.I am soaked,trembling in the wind.My cocoon of  unbridled euphoria and massive surges of dopiness dissipating with every step i take away from a future i will never see.I leave her orbit like a wayward comet,burning with the fumes born of  star crossed lovers,only in the beginning.

I did not love her, i did not even know the meaning of the word.The cosmos and all the gods that have ever existed must have had to pull a lot of strings to bring my wayward soul into her orbit.She did not fall victim to my crude humor or quick wit,she did not even notice me at all.

We will call her Jupiter,she was and still is the most radiant human being i have ever had the pleasure of knowing.At first,i was content with sharing the same space and breathing the same air she did,always stealing glances from across rooms and spaces shared hoping that she did not feel my eyes tracing that perfect arch of her lower back.Mundane normal movements were slowed down and appreciated in my head,her laughter,that beautiful sound she made filled my soul with joy,Elation i kept to myself waiting for later to reminisce and replaY the entire day i had spent marveling at the wonder that was her,my Jupiter.

This uncontrollable attraction being one sided burned my insides.All that time i stole for just the two of us,the perfectly scheduled “accidentally” shared bus rides to wherever she was going always trying to fix my day to day mundane activities around her orbit didn’t matter if i was a few buildings away  or feeling her warm skin rub against mine as we shared tightly fixed metallic chairs in loud swerving matatus. It was on one of those rides that i took her hand in mine as the vibrant multi colored art on wheels swerved into the highway without a care in the world.People complained as one woman in the front seat invoked her preferred deity.I did not even hear the music get louder  trying to drown the discontent shown by the passengers,i was feeling her fingers interlocking with mine as i tried to brush off the impact that simple gesture had on my entire anatomy.My palm was getting clammy as time passed and our hands were still connected,i was avoiding eye contact,my mind was blank,my throat slowly drying up like a seasonal Kamba river,

“You can let go now,we have survived the worse of it,”she slowly freed her hand from my sweaty vice like paw with a smile on her face.

“sorry about the river of sweat hehehe,i was scared shitless,”i hid my face as blood rushed to my head.

“It’s okay,”

“eeer,wanna get some coffee before you head home?”

“I can’t,”she looked disappointed,i liked that.

“well,this is my stop,i will see you tomorrow with dryer hands.”

“Will we be holding hands again,?that coy playful smile always jumbled up my thoughts.

“eeer no,that was lame…hehehe,kesho.”i had to eject before i crashed and burned.

 

Day two with Jupiter found me ready,i had prepared my lines and thought of every scenario,she would say this and i would say that,perfect conversation culminating to that perfect smile made everything in my life okay.I hated that i had to hide my true self though,she would not like the me i was looking at in the mirror;the angry and tortured me;the dead inside screaming for help me,no,even i would not like me.

“Get out of there,”she looks deep in my soul.

“Look at me,right here right now.We,at this moment should be everything.”

“It’s hard for me to say this because it’s you,”

“Well,i wanna say i feel the same way but i don’t.All you had to do was come talk to me.”

“i was chicken shit,still am actually hehehe.”

“what did you wanna tell me”

“I wanted to say that i have wanted to kiss you for the longest time.”

“A kiss,?”that’s all.?

“Yeah,”she looks at me quizzically.She moves closer  still holding my gaze.

“A kiss is not enough for me,you have to think bigger and bolder.”Her warm breath dances around my nostrils as she kisses the tip of my nose and holds my gaze.

“Find out what you really want,don’t just guess.I wanna know how far you are willing to go.”She moves away slowly with that innocent intelligent smile curving her perfect lips ever so slightly.

“I love you.”The words leave my lips before they are checked and processed.

she laughs out loud nearly knocking her cup of coffee off the table in our rendezvous point.I laugh with her oblivious to all the people around us as the world spins on,leaving  us in our small bubble of infinite possibilities.

 

 

 

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WAKE UP.

The things we do right after we wake up tell a lot about our state of mind.take my girl for example,she sleeps like she gets paid to do it while i toss and turn like a forsaken lover on their honey moon.I have always hated that journey into nothingness,that six to seven hours when your subconscious lets you know your deepest and darkest fears in the weirdest way possible.

She shakes me out of another world,sweat soaking the sheets with my hands clasped together.She looks worried as i wipe cold beads of sweat off my brow and chest,

“another one of your dreams?”she asks pensively

“yeah…did i wake you?”its a stupid question but i still ask,

“ulikua unatwitch,thought you were fucking someone in your dreams”

“nope…i wasn’t,i was running…”i confirm that real quick.

“from that pussy?”She smiles trying to mask her drowsiness,

“i was actually about to die before you woke me”standing to open the window.

The cold breeze makes short work of the pent up warmth as the rush of cool air brings me back to reality,fully.I try to remember the dream,The intensity of this made up world were all my fears are laid bare.

“What were you running from?”she asks covering up as the room gets colder.

“i don’t know yet…it happened so fast,i was holding someones hand…”

“a girls hand?”she quips with a sly smile

“No…i didn’t see a face,she died though,in my arms i think”the smile disappears.

 

“We both know my dreams are shit dimples…”i try to lighten the mood as she settles back in bed and beckons for me to join her.

The rest of the night is spend trying to understand the lesson in my dreams and avoiding that damp area on the bed.After a slow morning and two cups of coffee i try to learn more about dreams.Turns out running usually means that there is an issue in my life that i have to resolve or something and then the other dreams about fighting and dying in an alternate universe surrounded by black dongs on fire with dolls in their mouths…

suffice to say,i need to do a little more research and chalk all the weirdness up to a over-active imagination.My girl is kind of used to my trips to the other side,she likes helping me retrace my steps as we marvel at how unpredictable they can all be.As i wake up every other night and compare my unorthodox dreams to my reality,i can relate a few of the quiet lesson and hidden messages my mind tries to force feed my conscious mind and when they get too dark i can always stay up and share in dimples’s perfect sleep.