The realization that you are dying doesn’t hit you all at once,it’s the little things that begin to show you how much living on this planet is taking a toll on your entire being.For instance;i could fuck for days when i was in college,it was something i was pretty proud of…well the other consenting party had to be a freak like me which was not an easy search but once i got the Bonny to my Clyde all the voices in my head could line up perfectly and sing the same husky song in unison.its the little things right?,Now i have responsibilities,deadlines and buses to catch,welcome to the real world.
Living in the moment.
This iconic self sabotage mantra,(usually yelled by a drunk post teen right before they do something stupid), resonates with most of my less thought out decisions.In essence what i was really saying is ‘fuck it’ i didn’t care for tomorrow,for as long as i can remember i was always fascinated by my more future oriented ‘friends’ who were always reminded of the big bad future ready to rape any unsuspecting idiot twirling with their proverbial blonde braids waiting for everything to fall into place.Being a pessimist ever since i could smoke one of our neighbors cigarette butts from his dust bin,the rug of innocent carefree living had been roughly pulled from under my feet before i unhooked my first bra.A corrupted young mind without a sense of direction or a strong anchor meant that i only had mother earth for a tutor.we all know that she doesn’t give ‘timeouts’ or kiss ‘boo boos’,you screw the pooch,that’s it,you clean yourself up,get a good buzz going and take a walk, try find a way to look yourself in the mirror and still recognize who is looking back at you.
A rebel too scared to find a cause and see it through meant that losing the teen in my years was not a big deal.I don’t think it is a big deal for many guys,well maybe for the late bloomers on essentials like a deep baritone voice or a few prickly pubes on your chin would change everything.Man boobs never helped much either,i mean,life throwing you lemons that bitter could fuck you up for years to come.Many guys back in our age of pimples and smelling like goats in heat never knew such a thing existed until you saw a guy in the shower with what looked like a set of developing cans on him swaying to every body scrub,life struggles like that made you put a few things into perspective-life lessons that slowly develop to rules one had to live by;
NUMBER ONE;The world doesn’t give a crap.
In a nutshell..your entire existence only matters if you make the impact you were made to make…by who?..I don’t know…God maybe,that all-knowing all-powerful deity that put us in this maze.Purpose plays a big role in the reason we exist,that driving force for some of us to stand out and make a significant contribution either to the people around us or to the whole world.Funny bit is that most of us are purpose less,drones programmed to obey till we die.The creator saw it fit to make us damned gods,i tried having a well-meaning discussion with my devout catholic grandfather on the pros and cons of the damned gods theory,in particular how the catholic church had always had a hand in what we call modern-day civilization,it started out innocent but got really ugly when it came to the holy trinity and the role played by Jesus’s mum.I am not scared to say that i have always had doubts,doubts about the extent to which man will go for ambition or dominance.we are damned gods alright…we tend to be self-absorbed,violent in both love and hate and treat this experience that is life as a race,where the first ones get to enjoy the spoils and the rest fish for scraps off the winners table.Well…we cant all play the leading man,or woman,genetics and upbringing find a way to classify us all as Darwin intended.
NUMBER TWO; Don’t shit where you eat.
Well,this one is self-explanatory for me,first, it acts as a literal warning,for those fellow humans who decide to party like white people or something,although these are words to live by.Know your lane,I have fucked up so many times because i thought i was someone else,you might think you are hotter than you really are or vice versa,either way if you care about your standing on the human food chain you have to find yourself,doesn’t matter how long it takes.self esteem is the one shields that protect you from all the bullshit delaying the inevitable photocopying and classification of everything that makes you.Make sure you get a good stance before holding your own,the world is a dark place…no,the world is a beautiful place,we choose to abuse and defile it at will because we believe there is something better waiting for us.Lets wait and see.
NUMBER THREE;Always be ready to die.
As cold as this sounds most of us never think about this part of life…the end,or beginning for those who have a religious safety net.Questioning the unknown has always been the proverbial thorn in my thinking cap.As we all run this short unexpected race the idea of not existing makes even the hardened of Homo sapiens cling to whatever theory (or fact,as per the household you grew up in) to the very last breath,for my religious friends the good book specifically states that if you were an ass on earth its eternal douche barbecue for you.I have always been fascinated by the rules of nature,the less brain function you have the easier your existence becomes.apparently asking questions to which no answers will ever make sense is a waste of your depleting time,either way…its always good to question everything,hell it’s why we create and destroy at will…mad scientists without an end game.We do what we do because we have to,and then we die.
NUMBER FOUR;Procreate if you can
I can only imagine what the world will look like in the year three thousand after most of the population regulating diseases are brought to heel by one amazing super drug…maybe by then after consuming so many chemicals in the food we eat and inhaling toxic fumes from our engines will have mutated us as well,all am sure of is that it will be a small boring planet if none of all the religious end of times theories never come to pass.I will be dead by then,my son will be dead too…my third or fourth generation(as per the fluctuating mortality rate of that time)will be doing what am doing right now,pushing the wheel of survival for as long as they can,maybe hoping to give life to continue my name…a name that will hold no significance to life or the reason they are fighting to pass on their genes.
In this future when everybody is shooting blanks the girl with the working eggs and the guy with the loaded gun will be the gods of their time.They will be the only currency worth trading with.I only hope that my great great-grandson will inherit the power of my loins.Right now though,all I can do is trying to be better,leave the big picture alone because it’s not my problem,nature is calling,amid my selfish sense of self and blind ambition,i have to grow the next generation of damned gods and heirs to this big blue throne we call home.The boy will remember me when am gone,his sons and daughters will only hear stories I am okay with that because my boy will help me on my way when mistress death comes for me,i will not fight…or cry,i will embrace her, return her icy kiss with a smile on my face.