Avert your eyes…

The fabric that weaves our society together for hundreds of years has been pulled tight,the seams loosening and changing color.

Alighting from my usual matatu after a short uncomfortable ride that can only be described as the battle of cheap perfumes and natural odors accousting my nostrils ,i find myself alone in the real world.Every face is buried deep in small lit screens as fingers jot and slide all over the small mirrors, adding;tagging;liking;commenting and yes judging.I have wondered since that moment of absolute clarity if this is all we are becoming,Avatars of ourselves.

our minds have been overloaded with information we don’t need,i thought the world becoming a village would mean that we all got enlightened by  the knowledge we would share but damn if i ain’t wrong,i am a fellow victim by the way,i am not absolved of this sin against my self.Ever so willingly i would  make sure i keep up with the “queens of twerk world”on Instagram(and yes it is not porn,hell i could go as fare as to call it a talent);The ever changing topics on facebook;the conversations on watsapp(that never happen in real life and yes the videos on you tube.These new waters of adult hood where we make avatars that show every best part of ourselves(whether real or fictional) have guaranteed the end of all physical interactions purely for growth,as “fyebooty”would say on her short videos,”there will always be more coming” or was it cumming,i can’t be sure.

Before i digress into self gratifying explanations i must finish the morning Epiphany that was.My breath was a bit “fumey”thanks to my whiskey ways,the slight hangover warning me of the anguish to come with the raising sun,i check my phone,maybe someone liked my wacky controversial memes about religion or marriage or something,scrolling down my page i see the avatars of people i used to know,everyone always so together and dashing,either on vacation or predicting the interracial babies they would have in the near future and then the always tacky Jesus memes that can bring cash and all the treasures of the land if you just click on the tiny like button,it always feels like another profession of undying love for the super beautiful Caucasian  young man with slightly dialed up gay vibes from his cherry red lips and loose fitted gown,i mean if you want sheep to believe the sacrifice he made don’t make him look like the lead singer of one direction!.

The morning breeze and a sharp hoot from  a on coming motorbike steer me clear from the road as i head towards my prison of choice,staring at my phone as it beeps and chimes messages coming in from groups of people talking about the never ending conversations that surprisingly never happen in real life i feel a lump build in my throat,slowly redirecting the whiskey fumes that try to escape the pit of my belly,

“fucking Monday…”i mutter to myself a bit too loudly.The human in front of me turns to look at the suffering wailing pedestrian.My  eavesdropper friend is carrying digging tools,his shoes retired a few months ago but i guess he never got the memo. The tattered dirty garments that hide his shame dance in the breeze exposing a slightly discolored armpit and of course the stench that resides beneath.My once over is interrupted by his gleaming smile,his brisk walk makes it that i have to walk faster to stay beside him as i marvel at his gift of pure joy.He hums a tune i have never head before before looking at me again only this time he also notices my avatar machine as i try to keep up with the conversations on watsapp or fye’s always moving butt on Instagram,

“buda aje aje”He swings his spade a bit,as if making sure his morning greetings hit home

Poa buda,

“sasa hizo simu zenyu hamuwekagi chini”i think its rhetorical until he moves right into my personal space and smack in the middle of fye’s famous slow twerk.

“Kumbe ni porno”His smile turns into a concentrated scowl  as he tries to make sense of what he is looking at.

“sio porno buda”i try to educate and shake him off.

“ebu nione,si ako uchi huyo msichana?

“huoni amevaa nguo…hiyo hapo juu”regretting my explanation  of the technicalities that come with thongs and g-strings right after they leave my fire hazard mouth

“hako si kameraruka?He refuses to let go as we walk closer together.

My new found friend;the hooting cars;his strong scent and my now throbbing head move in tandem with my conflicted ideologies.I look at his face,all in awe of this morning’s gift of politically correct exotic dancing and realize for the millionth time how much bliss ignorance can be.My new friend pokes at my phone as if tying to get more,more…yup that’s how it starts for all of us.This disposition that is the human condition always wanting more,we can never be satisfied,the monster has to be fed.As we hide behind our online avatars and try to feed our always hungry monsters we forget how to smile.I forget how to smile.

 

 

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YES,I AM A FATHER.

Continuing on with my selective amnesia when it comes to facing certain situations head on,i seem to be in the thick of it no matter what i try.Father hood is a hands on 24-7 gig,yeah…i know what most of my fellow loaded gun slingers are thinking”Aki grow atanitafuta”, well i don’t know what father son movies you have been binge watching but things have changed,a bit too fast for most of us.Kids (especially boys)have become indoctrinated to the mum is everything era,i remember when i was young,dads were super heroes to us,we didn’t care what they did or how much money they made, all that mattered was that these amazing humans were always there for us.Fast forward to today and my niggers are always presented with a blue or red pill,like Neo in the Matrix.You can stay or leave,its up to you…then the punch line, ‘i can do this by myself anyway.’

On that note i met a young lady(call it 35 years…give or take a Brazilian wig) morphed into my life sort of like that auntie who always walked in on you masturbating and told you about blindness and your hands on do it yourself experiments…yeah,that one,this lady was fun and informative.we shared a lot me and her…from loosies to locked lips.I grew from a fidgety unsure lad to terminator two in a heart beat before things began getting awkward.Don’t get me wrong,this was not a money thing no…it was more like am lost,you are lost,lets get lost together.

The most intoxicating thing about my older friend was how perfectly she had compartmentalized her entire life, like one of those build it your self shelves.This was a woman who knew when and with whom she would bear children, no,it was more like borrow sperm from.The decisiveness and math put into planning always seemed to amuse me for some reason.The fact that  she had a husband who to my knowledge didn’t mind that there was a fly in his ointment(yes…pun intended) made no sense whatsoever For the same reason she felt like she was out of control when it came to her sexuality and as a woman who married young this overwhelming feeling of fleeting youth not lived to the fullest or roads not taken created a bond that nearly cost her the sham she called a marriage.And all this because she thought she deserved better.

We all have that thought sometime,something happen to you that creates a base line for how far or low you can go before you snap.For her,being married to a premature ejaculating safety net was not enough,it might have seemed like something small at first,you know,like that weird noise your long time boyfriend makes when he is asleep or that fucked up mole she insists is a beauty spot with three pin like hairs growing out of it.Is it really about self love?,when we choose to not compromise for our children when she gets pregnant ,i mean lots of families back in the day were either planned or just decided on by parents who were looking to make strong alliances,every other party involved just had to wing it till death do them part.The ladies always got the short end of the stick as young girls were married off to be third wives or worse,this way of living created remedies to questions like love and choice but now there is so many options and roads one can take in this age of free thinking.

Now not to stray too far,my ‘young’ friend seemed to be fighting to keep something inside her alive,as complex as her situation seemed it all narrowed down to what she saw when she looked in the mirror.Shrinks tell us that our brains automatically convince us that we are more attractive than we really are as a reflection maybe its meant to make us accept ourselves more or want less from what we perceive to be perfection,like the God theory and that gnawing question about the after life.we choose what to believe to make our lives easier.Husbands and wives choose to cheat to fill a gap they feel should be filled because when they look themselves in the mirror the person staring back at them convinces them that they deserves that specific missing piece in their lives.

The last time i saw my female friend was quite cordial.To be blunt,i believe reason was at play,the adrenaline rush had abated,she did not feel young anymore.After a brief ‘its not you its me’, she was gone,gone back to horrible sex and morbid house wife duties.I am not sure if she found the perfect specimen to make a child with or if she ever cheated again on her cabbage of a husband but as i stand before my mirror butt naked i think i understand now what she felt.With a child out of wedlock and a uncertain happily ever after you start to wonder if the fairy tale ending was just hot shit served with a side of greens.

I am a father,not super dad…definitely not super dad but a father regardless.That fear of change and uncertainty is still there,half the time am just going with the flow but what grounds me to this point in my life is the fact that i know who i am and the person staring back at me on this mirror is okay with that.

 

 

The cookie crumbles…

dad leavingWaiting was my biggest enemy now,after the dust had settled and all was quiet I was left in the house listening to the voices inside my head.Alec was not present to give me his unwavering ‘you sure about that ‘ expression.I needed a game plan before my sister and Alec’s mom came back(hopefully) the fact that I was not sure if she was coming back cast a dark shadow on my conscience…or some proverbial angel with wings…ish, who rarely appeared  on my shoulder to hiss unrequited advice in my ear,

“Hey buddy “adviser was back looking battered and tired.

‘Hey conscience…wow!!!sport pesa gave you back your wings huh???’I could make out tattered grey fake looking wings dangling from his tiny back as he held onto my earlobe for support.

‘hey…I thought we decided to call me you…i am you Kyalo…this is how you appear in there…’he held out his unimpressive wings with a ‘duh’ look on his self sabotaging face…the fact that he looked like me made my few minutes to myself eerie.At least his gambling addiction set us apart.

‘so…look at him sleeping there kyalo’he turned to look at Alec.

“He looks so peaceful”

“Without a care in the world…he deserves to have both his parents kyalo”

“What about me?”yeah,sounded selfish..really selfish.

“Well my friend…say goodbye to your not giving a hoot days”

“Did you just say hoot”?I had to ask.

“Am still not tarnished completely by your toxic mind…and your unrelenting drive to self destruction!!Mr ‘always be rational’ was about to pop a vein on his self-righteous goody two shoes face.

“So…did you come here to lecture me or help me?

“Depends…”

“On what?”

“Your ability to love…”conscience knew he was paddling on shark infested waters,he moved closer to my face.

“If you can’t deal…there is no need to keep going then,I will let you activate plan B.

“Okay conscience,”

just then Alec moved,I froze,he adjusted his small frame on the chair covered by his baby blankets before settling down.I couldn’t help but stare,he looked sort of like me although i felt a sort of uncertainty towards the whole situation.I knew my life was going to change completely,i would have to stop making  random decisions;maybe learn how to live with other people without causing strife and disappearing every time a situation stopped being fun or awkward…I would have to grow up.

“This negro is going to make me someone else huh…”

“Depends…”

“On what con….you know what,al call you con from now on”Had to make it shorter…detach myself from the little guy with weird bat wings.

“whatever floats your boat kyalo,just don’t forget am still you.”

“Yeah…how can I forget that…”

“I have asked you many times to find a way to be different…”Con was talking about rainbows and sunshine again.

“Change to what con…more lovable always happy singing in the shower dandy?”

“eer no Kyalo,I want you to care…you need to get involved,all the way”

“I hear you con,so you will be riding shotgun on this one right,”

“This could all have been avoided if…”

“Don’t you dare fucking say it con…”I hated his ‘i told you so’,he seemed to enjoy it a bit too much.

It was getting late though,by my guess maybe thirty minutes past five,(couldn’t turn to look at the clock,had to keep a focused eye on the kid),my stomach reminded me it had needed some attention too by rumbling a bit too hard.

“Dammit!!!”Alec opened his eyes slowly,I ducked out of sight hoping he would take his being alone as a que to go back to sleep,well,rookie mistake.The little guy cleared his throat,it was more of a chuckle than a cough so i made an on the moment decision to make my presence known,with the unparalleled expertise of con of course,

“Pick him up before he starts to cry again”

I did without making a sound vocally or otherwise.He was too light to be a human being,fragile like flowers left in the sun and all you had to do was wait and watch them wither and die,only this son of mine seemed unnerved by his vulnerability.There was an unseen force covering this clean fragile soul from any harm.Jesus came to mind,a white guy with golden locks taking my baby from me and covering him with his white linen garment,loving him unconditionally like no human could(including his dead beat dad).

“He looks like his dad dude…”

“Yeah,the tip of his ears are darker though,he will be a bit darker than me,”that was a plus for him.being too light in Kenya,for a guy was no walk in the park if you were a sissy.

“My son will be no sissy”

“Well…will you raise him like your father did you?”con knew how to hit all the right cords

“Lets see how he looks…”

“Kyalo,it’s a bit chilly here,you can’t just start undressing a child his age “con was making a bit of sense

“What about his feet then…can I at least check those”it dawned on me that i had been speaking to myself out loud,Alec didn’t very much care for it.i could tell because he kept a sharp eye on the movements of the lunatic he had been left with.

“Well kiddo I think we should get to know each other right?He looked serious,his tiny face squared up all business like,i had to look away for a second,there was something about his pure fresh eyes that was stifling,as though he could see right through me to my deepest darkest secrets.

“Lemmie call you Mutua after my father,do you like that name?”I asked touching the tip of his tiny nose with my index finger,he didn’t flinch.

“…since we will be spending a lot of time together,I think now is the best time to come clean…its bad so don’t say anything until am done talking,cool?”He followed my movements with his eyes as i started pacing back and forth int the tiny flat.

“See,I wasnt a big fan of your early arrival,hell i voted for you to leave the island if you get my drift…”He rubed his tiny face with a clenched tiny fist.

“Yeah,I knew you would take this badly,hey but there is a silver lining buddy,i am not going anywhere now…or am i…am not sure at this time.i wish i could explain in-depth how my selfish behaviour and lack of empathy or control got me a beautiful gift…yes gift don’t give me that face,like you wouldn’t  allow me to embark on this journey with you”He squirmed a bit in his warm wrapping,looked at the ceiling as if processing what he just heard.

“Hey,this here is what life is about…okay,am still figuring that out myself but…I don’t know.

“Yes you know kyalo,”

“con,what the fuck are you still doing here!!”

“hey kyalo,just open your soul…you do know I have been locked out of there for years right…thats where am supposed to li…

“This aint about you con…and we talked about this,until you show me how to forget or embrace you stay out here with me!”con jumped off my shoulder his wings making a miserable crackle sound,he landed on the table and moved close to Mutua whose eye lids looked heavier than lead as he fought to stay awake.

“If he could see me…imagine how scared he would be…this darkness you have allowed in us is going to kill whatever chance you have to make this boy,our son…proud to call you dad.I have watched you try,fail,fight,laugh,cry and do the most stupid things imaginable to prove a point that didn’t need proving but the worst,the one thing that is killing you is this hatred you have chosen-no decided to carry for years,i am you and you are me but every time i go in there i feel like a stranger,it’s so cold…i fear it would be better for the boy if you were not in his life at all”

“what are you saying con…”

“I am you,i don’t know why you think you can hide your thoughts from me,”

“I don’t know what the fuck you talking about”con was on his canoe again,paddling towards the eye of the storm.sharks tailing him.

“No no…answer me this,after all is said and done are you happy he is here!?

“What kind of question is that con!! Of course…”

“Then whats the problem…what are you scared of…”con asked as he moved closer to a still sleeping Mutua,

“Look at him…your blood…your son…!”con finished his monologue and disappeared into thin air in front of me.

The message had been loud and clear,all I had to do was decide,i still had a small voice in my head warning me of the impending lock down,the utter lack of control.No more freedom to do what i want.The voice insisted that i was not ready to be who i was supposed to be for this boy…my boy to grow up healthy and strong.

Just then,there was a knock on the door,a timid sharp rattle.It was far from my sisters confident two tap with a try at the lock.It was time to decide,I was out of time.

 

 

 

 

 

THE ROAD THAT WAS.

The realization that you are dying doesn’t hit you all at once,it’s the little things that begin to show you how much living on this planet is taking a toll on your entire being.For instance,i could fuck for days when i was in college.It was something i was pretty proud of,well the other consenting party had to be a freak like me which was not an easy search but once i got the Bonny to my Clyde all the voices in my head could line up perfectly and sing the same husky song in unison.Its the little things right?,now i have responsibilities,deadlines and buses to catch,welcome to the real world.

Living in the moment.

This iconic self sabotage mantra,(usually yelled by a drunk post teen right before they do something stupid) resonates with most of my less thought out decisions.In essence what i was really saying is ‘fuck it’, i didn’t care for tomorrow for as long as i can remember, i was always fascinated by my more future oriented ‘friends’ who were always reminded of the big bad future ready to rape any unsuspecting  idiot twirling with their proverbial blonde braids waiting for everything to fall into place.Being a pessimist ever since i could smoke one of our neighbors cigarette butts from his dust bin,the rug of innocent carefree living had been roughly pulled from under my feet before i unhooked my first bra.A corrupted young mind without a sense of direction or a strong anchor meant that i only had mother earth for a tutor.we all know that she doesn’t give ‘timeouts’ or kiss ‘boo boos’.You screw the pooch that’s it,you clean yourself up,get a good buzz going and take a walk.Try find a way to look yourself in the mirror and still recognize who is looking back at you.

A rebel too scared to find a cause and see it through meant that losing the teen in my years was not a big deal.I don’t think it is a big deal for many guys,well maybe for the late bloomers on essentials like a deep baritone voice or a few  prickly pubes on your chin would change everything.Man boobs never helped much either,i mean,life throwing you lemons that bitter could fuck you up for years to come.Many guys back in our age of pimples and smelling like goats in heat never knew such a thing existed until you saw a guy in the shower with what looked like a set of developing cans on him swaying to every body scrub.Life struggles like that made you put a few things into perspective,life lessons that slowly develop to rules one had to live by.

NUMBER ONE;The world doesn’t give a crap.

In a nutshell..your entire existence only matters if you make the impact you were made to make,by who?,I don’t know,God maybe,that all knowing all powerful deity that put us in this maze.Purpose plays a big role in the reason we exist,that driving force for some of us to stand out and make a significant contribution either to the people around us or to the whole world.Funny bit is that most of us are purposeless,drones programmed to obey till we die.The creator saw it fit to make us damned gods.I tried having a well-meaning discussion with my devout catholic grandfather on the pros and cons of the damned gods theory,in particular how the catholic church had always had a hand in what we call modern-day civilization.It started out innocent but got really ugly when it came to the holy trinity and the role played by Jesus’s mum.I am not scared to say that i have always had doubts about the extent to which man will go for ambition or dominance.we are damned gods alright,we tend to be self-absorbed,violent in both love and hate and treat this experience that is life as a race where the first ones get to enjoy the spoils and the rest fish for scraps off the winners table.Well,we cant all play the leading man,or woman.Genetics and upbringing find a way to classify us all as Darwin intended.

NUMBER TWO: Don’t shit where you eat.

Well this one is self explanatory for me.First, it acts as a literal warning for those fellow humans who decide to party like white people or something although these are words to live by.Know your lane,I have fucked up so many times because i thought i was someone else.You might think you are hotter than you really are or vice versa,either way if you care about your standing on the human food chain you have to find yourself,doesn’t matter how long it takes.self esteem is the one shield that protects you from all the bullshit delaying the inevitable photocopying and classification of everything that makes you.Make sure you get a good stance before holding your own,the world is a dark place ,no,the world is a beautiful place,we choose to abuse and defile it at will because we believe there is something better waiting for us.Let’s wait and see.

NUMBER THREE: Always be ready to die.

As cold as this sounds most of us never think about this part of life,the end,or beginning for those who have a religious safety net.Questioning the unknown has always been the proverbial thorn in my thinking cap.As we all run this short unexpected race the idea of not existing makes even the hardened of homo sapiens cling to whatever theory (or fact,as per the household you grew up in), to the very last breath.For my religious friends the good book specifically states that if you were an ass on earth it’s eternal douche barbecue for you.I have always been fascinated by the rules of nature,the less brain function you have the easier your existence becomes.apparently asking questions to which no answers will ever make sense is a waste of your depleting time,either way…its always good to question everything,hell it’s why we create and destroy at will…mad scientists without an end game.We do what we do because we have to,and then we die.

NUMBER FOUR;Procreate if you can

I can only imagine what the world will look like in the year three thousand after most of the population regulating diseases are brought to heel by one amazing super drug…maybe by then after consuming so many chemicals in the food we eat and inhaling toxic fumes from our engines will have mutated us as well,all am sure of is that it will be a small boring planet if none of all the religious end of times theories never come to pass.I will be dead by then,my son will be dead too…my third or fourth generation(as per the fluctuating mortality rate of that time)will be doing what am doing right now,pushing the wheel of survival for as long as they can,maybe hoping to give life to continue my name…a name that will hold no significance to life or the reason they are fighting to pass on their genes.

In this future when  everybody is shooting blanks the girl with the working eggs and the guy with the loaded gun will be the gods of their time.They will be the only currency worth trading.I only hope that my great great-grandson will inherit the power of my loins.Right now though,all I can do is try to be better,leave the big picture alone because it’s not my problem,nature is calling,amid my selfish sense of self and blind ambition,i have to grow the next generation of damned gods and heirs to this big blue throne we call home.The boy will remember me when am gone,his sons and daughters will only hear stories. I am okay with that because my boy will help me on my way when mistress death comes,i will not fight nor cry,i will embrace her and return her icy kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meeting my son

He is staring at me with those clear brown eyes, he must be four or five months old,a bundled dude with a small perfect inquisitive face. I couldn’t help but wonder if he knew how messed up his situation was, from the look of things though I could tell he didn’t give a rat’s ass.

“mommy is coming back soon,”he doesn’t seem convinced as he scowled his face preparing for the second round of screaming and wailing.i have to act fast before my ear drums turn to mush

“cm on Alec…cut me some slack here…”i pleaded picking the boy up from the chair and bobbing him up and down like i saw the  moms from our flat do when their rug rats threw fits.Alec although is not moved by my efforts,starts to feel kind of personal now,like he knows what i have done and he wants to show his detest the only way he knows how.i lift him high above my shoulders and look into his disappointed watery eyes again,

“what do you need nigga!!”i try to appeal to his street side but nothing,i could foresee this situation escalating, i needed help pronto.This being the first time i had been left alone with him apparently for an undisclosed period of time,i was aware of all the reasons his mother might have had to wanna bail,i mean,i didn’t serenade her with dance and song when Alec was born,nor did i stand beside her holding her hand as she was being urged to push but i didn’t deserve this,don’t  get me wrong,i would have done all those things if we were together together but at that moment all that mattered was the fact that i was way out of my league.Alec could sense my weakness,bobbing was not doing it for him,the milk i was advised to give him by his mother was like rat poison on his lips,he kept spitting it out and i was about to shit a brick.

just then a knock on the door,

“where the fuck did you go???!i blow up even before opening the door with a live siren in my arms.

“HAHAHAHAHA!!!BABA ZERO!!!bellowed Carl my neighbor as he took a step back to fully take in my  predicament.

“what the fuck is so funny ass wipe”

“wah msee…this your kid?”He asks trying to deduce how a baby ended up in my questionable care.

“naah,i ran a baby care now asshole”i was getting irritated by the crying.

“dude relax…kwani ni mimi nilikuambia unyeshe ndani?”Carl was spotting on of those beaming thank heavens this isn’t  me smiles, i didn’t like it.

“hold the negro for a bit,maybe he just  doesn’t like me.”

no no no…i have to go to class msee…

don’t be an ass just for a few minutes,my hands are cramping

utanilipa msee?

“yeah…Al make sure unaenda chuo na shati haikai ni kama umeitoa kwa mdomo ya ng’ombe”holding back what looked like a lot of wise ass remarks and a good laugh he took the boy from me,the switch must have helped because he went quiet,as though sizing up his new victim before dropping his signature finish move.

“sly you’ve been pinching this kid you evil wanker”

“now why the hell would i do that to myself!”

“have you fed him?and i hope you know they don’t eat indomie msee”

“he is like five months old dude,no solids!”

like five?

get off my back!!…he is five months old…

so…baby mama ako wapi?

“uskii alinishow ameenda shop like three hours ago”and that’s when i realized how fucked i was,here was a kid i barely acknowledged who at the moment was either passing a kidney stone or working on crying for sport

“hey i think he is crying because he needs some air”

yeah?

“yeah,twende roof,let’s get some sun in him tuone itakuaje”

“yeah that’s a good idea,at least i aint doing this by my …”

“eer sorry dude,al be going to class in like fifteen minutes”

“what the fuck dude!!!cmon!!!”

“i have exams!!”

“well am taking my biggest exam right now dude!!!, na sina mwaks!!!”

i didn’t know if Alec was scared of the bickering or fascinated because he looked like he was listening intently as we ascended  up the stairs.it was a cloudy day,a few streaks of sunshine penetrating through cumulus clouds here and there,we removed some of the bundles of wrapping that made him look like a giants turd, exposing the little guys tiny legs and arms,he seems to like it.i took this time to compare his features to mine,see whose genes took the lions share.at least he had my  face and skin tone,the legs are his moms,sadly i didn’t do him any favors on the hair.even at five months old i could tell that he would suffer the curse all men in our family suffer,steel wool hair.

“At least you aint a girl or you would hate me big time”i say to myself as Carl unveils a “cigarette”

As we all settle into our new environment and the “cigarette”starts making rounds(blowing smoke away from the baby of course)he starts squirming uncomfortably,the sort of discomfort i imagine one goes through when they check your prostate,he was not having fun anymore and i could see him preparing to let us know the only way he knew how.

“sly,you sure this kid is okay?

“i don’t know!!”

did you try his mother again?

“ni mteja” i was getting agitated.

Alec was crying again,trying to reach for an invisible life line with his tiny hands,i looked over at Carl who seemed to be counting down the last seconds of his thirty minutes,i was going to be alone again.i looked at baby Alec and his exposed gums,hell i could see down to his stomach he was crying so hard.

“yoh sly,i have to go…”

“sure…sure al be here”

“call your sister msee”

“cant…yuko machakos and i don’t want to disturb her”that was a lie,hell i would have tugged on a lion’s mane if that’s what it took to calm him down

“so,utado?kesho you have to go to work and he is too young…you cant do this alone”

yeah,Carl had a point and it seemed as though Alec wasn’t doing too good,his tiny red lips were drying up.he seemed to be in pain,i was slowly starting to lose my cool.we walked back down the stairs as i listened for my sister to pick her phone,

“sema muthe”

“Hey small bro,whats up?”

“I need your help sis”Alec looked tired,but the crying was still audible

“do you have a kid with you”

(oh yeah,i hadn’t told her…)

“yeah…his name is Alec…your nephew”

“what!!!”

“hey…am sorry i didn’t tell you but he is here…his mum is not …and he wont stop crying!!!”

just then the connection was lost,apparently my phone ran out of juice,Carl was already gone and i really had to take a piss.

“first things first…keep your son alive”i told myself out loud as i tried to recall a lullaby from my kid years…nothing came to mind.

“Aerosmith will have to do”pacing back and forth on my door step as i sang to him “i don’t wanna miss a thing”was all i could think of.(the name of the song and my predicaments irony was not lost to me.).My boy was  passed cute baby crying,he was making an eerie heartbreaking noise i never thought a human being could make.I felt so useless.

One of the super mommies who strutted around the building glowing with womanhood and the pride of bringing two babies into the world(at the same time)was walking from her house,i think Alec’s crying had made her super mum sense tingle or something,she casually glanced my way and met my gaze as i took a pause from my pacing and horrible singing to compose a ‘i got this’ expression which turned into a please save me faster than shit through a goose.she started walking towards me with her generous burst swaying with every graceful step.

“Ameshinda akilia,sijui nini mbaya”i pointed out the obvious,

she took him with a cool collected swagger that  only came with experience,held him up to smell for a number two,

“amekula”?

“maziwa kidogo,i replied sheepishly scratching my head.

“amenyonya leo?”i could see her eyes trying to connect the dots as she tried to peer through my curtains for any presence.Unwillingly i glanced at her breasts for a second or two,

“eer mama yake ametoka kidogo”i said looking at Alec who seemed to be reaching for one of her impressive mammary glands,for an uncomfortable few seconds we all looked at them.

“So anataka kunyonya ama?”

“not really hehehe just give him some water sawa?”

“sawa”i could not believe that’s all the negro needed.”

“halafu try to give him more mil…”

cutting her short,

“lemme get the water” i was not going to risk another failed theory,she would stay and do this with me whether she liked it or not.I was in completely dumbfounded when he grabbed the small cup with his tiny T  Rex claws from my trembling hands and like the tiniest lone survivor of a plane crash in the Sahara desert started taking king size gulps.super mum was at hand to control the cup when he got too over eager.With that Alec went quiet.i moved close to see what magic she was performing on the boy only to see his eyes shut,he looked tired.

“wacha alale.akiamka,maziwa.don’t forget”with that my hero walked slowly back to her house.i managed to whisper a horse thank you before she closed her door.

After our first father son bonding experience i believed the worse was over,i knew there was an angry big sister who would be blowing into town with the wrath of mother Gaya herself; a baby mama who i imagined was maybe on a bus to Mtwapa with a guy named Marvo or something,maybe Marvo was better than me,maybe he had convinced her that a dead beat dad like myself deserved to know how it felt to raise a child on his own.

“fukin marvo…”i hissed vehemently when i thought about that non-existent worm.

there was a lot that was not okay in my life,alot of questions that needed answers,a diaper that needed changing…later but i didn’t care,at last Alec was sleeping peacefully,in that moment,everything was perfect.