Continuing on with my selective amnesia when it comes to facing certain situations head on,i seem to be in the thick of it no matter what i try.Father hood is a hands on 24-7 gig,yeah…i know what most of my fellow loaded gun slingers are thinking”Aki grow atanitafuta”, well i don’t know what father son movies you have been binge watching but things have changed,a bit too fast for most of us.Kids (especially boys)have become indoctrinated to the mum is everything era,i remember when i was young,dads were super heroes to us,we didn’t care what they did or how much money they made, all that mattered was that these amazing humans were always there for us.Fast forward to today and my niggers are always presented with a blue or red pill,like Neo in the Matrix.You can stay or leave,its up to you…then the punch line, ‘i can do this by myself anyway.’
On that note i met a young lady(call it 35 years…give or take a Brazilian wig) morphed into my life sort of like that auntie who always walked in on you masturbating and told you about blindness and your hands on do it yourself experiments…yeah,that one,this lady was fun and informative.we shared a lot me and her…from loosies to locked lips.I grew from a fidgety unsure lad to terminator two in a heart beat before things began getting awkward.Don’t get me wrong,this was not a money thing no…it was more like am lost,you are lost,lets get lost together.
The most intoxicating thing about my older friend was how perfectly she had compartmentalized her entire life, like one of those build it your self shelves.This was a woman who knew when and with whom she would bear children, no,it was more like borrow sperm from.The decisiveness and math put into planning always seemed to amuse me for some reason.The fact that she had a husband who to my knowledge didn’t mind that there was a fly in his ointment(yes…pun intended) made no sense whatsoever For the same reason she felt like she was out of control when it came to her sexuality and as a woman who married young this overwhelming feeling of fleeting youth not lived to the fullest or roads not taken created a bond that nearly cost her the sham she called a marriage.And all this because she thought she deserved better.
We all have that thought sometime,something happen to you that creates a base line for how far or low you can go before you snap.For her,being married to a premature ejaculating safety net was not enough,it might have seemed like something small at first,you know,like that weird noise your long time boyfriend makes when he is asleep or that fucked up mole she insists is a beauty spot with three pin like hairs growing out of it.Is it really about self love?,when we choose to not compromise for our children when she gets pregnant ,i mean lots of families back in the day were either planned or just decided on by parents who were looking to make strong alliances,every other party involved just had to wing it till death do them part.The ladies always got the short end of the stick as young girls were married off to be third wives or worse,this way of living created remedies to questions like love and choice but now there is so many options and roads one can take in this age of free thinking.
Now not to stray too far,my ‘young’ friend seemed to be fighting to keep something inside her alive,as complex as her situation seemed it all narrowed down to what she saw when she looked in the mirror.Shrinks tell us that our brains automatically convince us that we are more attractive than we really are as a reflection maybe its meant to make us accept ourselves more or want less from what we perceive to be perfection,like the God theory and that gnawing question about the after life.we choose what to believe to make our lives easier.Husbands and wives choose to cheat to fill a gap they feel should be filled because when they look themselves in the mirror the person staring back at them convinces them that they deserves that specific missing piece in their lives.
The last time i saw my female friend was quite cordial.To be blunt,i believe reason was at play,the adrenaline rush had abated,she did not feel young anymore.After a brief ‘its not you its me’, she was gone,gone back to horrible sex and morbid house wife duties.I am not sure if she found the perfect specimen to make a child with or if she ever cheated again on her cabbage of a husband but as i stand before my mirror butt naked i think i understand now what she felt.With a child out of wedlock and a uncertain happily ever after you start to wonder if the fairy tale ending was just hot shit served with a side of greens.
I am a father,not super dad…definitely not super dad but a father regardless.That fear of change and uncertainty is still there,half the time am just going with the flow but what grounds me to this point in my life is the fact that i know who i am and the person staring back at me on this mirror is okay with that.